Changing and Ageing
“It takes some training to equate complete letting go with comfort. But in fact, ‘nothing to hold on to’ is the root of happiness. There’s a sense of freedom when we accept we’re not in control” Pema Chodron
I often catch myself saying no one likes change, especially when it is connected to our body and feels out of our control. In this blog I will explore the impact of the feelings of loss of control that have arisen from changes in my body brought about by entering into a relatively early perimenopause and menopause.
Putting aside the hot flushes and panic attacks that I have written about previously, the relatively early cessation of my periods came as a shock and invoked within me some very powerful mixed feelings that I found uncomfortable to acknowledge, least of all to accept and come to terms with.
“There were moments when I found it achingly painful to face up to some of the choices that I have made in my life, but as I have done so, I have found a deeper meaning and relationship with this change...”
Rachel Podger
Primarily, I faced the loss of the ability to choose whether or not I wanted to have a baby. This was one of the most significant and life altering changes that I had experienced in my life, notwithstanding the death of my father. The depths to which this change has taken me, has shown me that it is a loss and thus part of a grieving process. Without acknowledging and coming to terms with this loss, I realised I was left with an unbearable emptiness and an inability to move on and be creative and happy in other areas of my life.
There were moments when I found it achingly painful to face up to some of the choices that I have made in my life, but as I have done so, I have found a deeper meaning and relationship with this change; I have found that self-compassion and kindness have been crucial to this exploration and have made the truth of these choices more bearable and I notice I have softened towards my view of them and thus myself.
I am now able to embrace and write about what it has been like to uncomfortably be with a change that came too early, and took away my freedom of choice. I feel eternally thankful for this change and by acknowledging my mixed feelings surrounding it, I remember all the people in my life whom I have been deeply touched and changed by. Thank you to all of you who have changed my life immeasurably.