What is Freedom?

“What is freedom?  It’s awareness not trapped in attraction or aversion” - Ram Dass

In hindsight I am aware that during the early stages of perimenopause and into menopause I was trapped in a myth, endorsed by my black and white thinking, which fortified and enhanced my belief of what it meant to be a woman of a certain age.   My aversion towards my ageing unattractive body took me further into this myth and belief; not only was I now unattractive, I did not feel worthwhile as a woman.

I created a safe space inside myself where I could hide, and on the outside, I wore loose fitting clothes that allowed me to feel unnoticeable to the outside world.   Becoming invisible enabled me to entrench myself further into the myth.  I diverted my attention towards others, to focus on work, which was caring for others, which in turn led me to undertake further studies.  I challenged myself to work hard and achieve all that I had been told I would not be able to do. 

What I did not realise at the time that I went into perimenopause was that I remained a woman who had needs.  Over time, through inner work and the practice of mindfulness and meditation, I gradually began to wake up to how I had trapped myself by this way of thinking.  In turn, I realised I needed and wanted to be touched, to love and be loved.  I could not continue hiding from myself and the outside world.

“What I did not realise at the time that I went into perimenopause was that I remained a woman who had needs.”

Rachel Podger

With the benefit of hindsight, I see that my aversion to what was expected of me as a younger woman, now continued into this stage of life and I remained disengaged from myself as a woman who had freedom to choose who and how she wants to be in this life.

I realise I didn’t choose to go into an early menopause but I can choose how to respond to my ageing body with loving kindness rather than cruelty and judgement.  I see and feel that the unbearable pain and suffering the courageous and beautiful women in my family have experienced and witnessed in their lives, made me believe that to be an ageing woman was something that was going to destroy me and with it, my innate life force.

I challenge myself daily to engage and meet my ageing body, mostly now with more loving kindness, tenderness and curiosity rather than judgement and brutality, and am learning, day by day, to live at a pace that is manageable.  I am surprised at how much I can still achieve when I feel free to choose what it means to be ageing!